My First Million

I’ve decided how I’m going to make my first million.

I’m going to be the guy who comes up with ideas for new reality shows. It could quite possibly be the easiest job in the world. I’ve already got a few brilliant ideas in mind and have a dartboard and blindfold for once that well run runs dry. Here’s just a few of the wonderful concepts I plan on pitching to The Networks.

So You Think You Can Sit On Your Ass and Watch TV All Day Long, You Lazy Bastard?- This is a reality contest that I think really appeals to much of the reality TV audience, what with being able to relate so closely to the contestants. Basically each contestant is forced to watch TV until they fall asleep, get up to go to the bathroom or otherwise leave their spot in their comfy sofa. Each day the challenges get harder, starting from the easier Great Movies and Sport’s Bloopers to the much harder Book TV, PBS membership Drive break marathons. For the finale they have to watch SYTYCSOYAAWTADLYLB.

And Then There Were None- Contestants each receive a letter from a Mr. Owen, inviting them to a beautiful island resort. While there the contestants are killed, one by one until only one remains, who wins the luxurious prize of hanging himself. The show will be controversial at first but will receive record ratings when the celebrity edition airs featuring Carrot Top, Paulie Shore and Larry the Cable Guy.

Reality Bites- Cashing on on the current Twilight/True Blood/Vampire Diaries fad and trying to ride the Bachelorette wave before it fades away completely this show features a beautiful woman who will choose a husband from a group of bachelors. The catch is that each one of them is a glittery yet brooding Vampire LARPer. Who will Sarah choose? Will it be Damien, the tortured soul who lives a life of darkness and misery and resides in his mom’s basement OR possibly Eris, the androgonist cross-player who spends his time staring out the window into the night from the loft above his mom’s garage? My money is on Mikael Petrov Assimov IV, 5th generation Russian immigrant who wishes he live back in the old country where his kind was respected and feared instead of paraded around like freaks who lives in the guest room at his mom’s place.

America’s Next Top Attention Whore- Contestants compete to see who can star in the most Reality TV shows. The winner gets to be both drawn AND quartered on live TV, an event certain to have record veiwers. We could even make it a pay per view event to help pay for socialize health care.

Also on the list of possible shows: Spelunking With The Stars, Survivor: Culion, So I Survived a Japanese Gravure Show, America’s Got Termites and Rent-a-COPS. These ideas should easilly help me hit my first million.

Breaking News!

I’ve decided that using AOL and Yahoo as methods for getting news on a daily basis is not a good idea. Many of you read yesterday my concerns about music icon Moby and the NEWS article headlined “Want to See Moby Live?” What with it being news and all I just assumed he’d be kidnapped by ninjas. Quick follow up, Moby wasn’t kidnapped by ninjas. Turns out there’s more than one way to pronounce the word “live” which totally changes its meaning and made me look pretty foolish when I barged into the DragonNinja secret hideout and started demanding that they release Moby. Which leads me to my next point. When going up against a gang of evil ninja by yourself, make damn sure you have some way of defending yourself. Apparently three sessions of Tae Kwon Do and several hours of Tae Bo simply aren’t enough. Just sayin’.

Don’t make the same mistake I did and think that AOL headlines are news when they are instead very much advertisments disguised as news. One of today’s headlines: “Porsche Cayenne Can Reach 60 MPH
In Only 4.7 Seconds”

Their big ‘I’m just checking e-mail so flash me with some headlines so I can at least pretend I know what’s going on with the world” rival, Yahoo, had an article at the TOP of their entertainment headlines. The story they thought they’d lead with: “Guest: Many Wept During Jackson’s Funeral.”

Really? I understand that when an icon such as Michael Jackson dies (and I mean news icon, not pop icon) and you know the number of “King of Pop Loves All the Little Children” well is about to run as dry as a expensive Malbec being sipped by Stephen Wright on a hot Arizona afternoon you take that lemon and you squeeze out every little piece of news you can find and you lead with it. But this isn’t news, it’s just stating the obvious. They could just as easilly have said “Michael Jackson’s Thriller had music on it” or “As he got older, Michael Jackson’s look changed” and it would have been just as newsworthy.

You mean to tell me that Jackson’s closest friends and family attended his funeral and that many of them wept? STOP THE PRESSES! I understand you need to have an article about his funeral, I really do. But try to keep it newsworthy. The next Michael Jackson related story I want to see is about when the ‘too soon’ timer has worn out and we can start disrespecting the dead again.

In light of this, I decided how I’m going to make my first million. I’m going to start my own online news site. “Ain’t it Obvious News.” Today we’re leading with breaking news about how there’s strife in the middle east, how many Republicans are not happy with Barak Obama and a human interest story about how dogs make good pets.

Are You a Bad Enough Dude?

This morning I was greeted with terrible news. I did my 30 minutes of trying to learn a new language (I’m trying to learn Cymraeg for those of you not in the know. More for novelty than anything else.) and open my browser to check my mail and hit my usual social networking haunts before getting ready for work. A headline caught my eye which sent shivers down my spine. “Want to See Moby Live?” Dear God! Someone kidnapped Moby and is making thier demands known to the public via AOL news. I was in a rush so I didn’t actually READ the article but I think he’s been kidnapped by DragonNinja. There have been rampant ninja relate crimes these days and apparently musicans that have collaborated with Gwen Steffani are no exception.

I don’t think we should meet their demands. While I do want to see Moby live I think this calls for more drastic matters which I plan on taking into my own hands. I’m going to go into the streets to battle these DragonNinja, hopefully they’ll lead me to thier secret base and I can rescue Moby. I don’t think I can do it alone, though, so I’m asking you, my loyal readers and friends, if you think you are a bad enough dude to rescue Moby, join me. I can’t promise that you’ll survive, but I CAN promise that if we do rescue Moby he’ll be grateful. Perhaps so much that he’ll join us for a burgers in front of the white house. I hope so, that’d be great!

I just hope there’s no fire-breathing Russians. I’m allergic to fire-breathing Russians.

Misunderstood Song Meanings

Sure there are lots of misunderstood lyrics. Lots of people mishear Jimi Hendrix’s Purple Haze lime “Excuse Me While I Kiss the Sky” as “”Scuse me while I kiss this guy” and in some cases even, “pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon.” While frequently funny. I’m not talking about those. What I’m talking about are those songs that you hear all the time and think you know what they are about but are horribly horribly mistaken.

Turning Japanese- One of the most popular misunderstood songs is Turning Japanese by the Vapors. This song is used in movies all the time whenever some white guy goes to Japan and starts taking in thier strange but weird culture. I think it was used a record 7 times in “The Last Samurai.” This song is not about becomming immersed in Japanese culture but rather the singers obsession with South Korea. Turns out he’s one of those people who thinks that all Asians cultures are similar and that all Asians look the same. While he says Japanese he actually meant South Korean. I really think so.

I Touch Myself- Oddly enough, the Divynals’ “I Touch Myself” is about turning Japanese.

My Sharona- This song is about the life and times of Woddy Allen.

Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me- This Elton John smash is not about dealing with the rejection of someone close but rather a cautionary tale warning against the dangers of solar felatio. The duet version with George Micheal is a cautionary tale warning against the dangers of solar felatio in an LA men’s room.

Every Breath You Take- It amuses me how many people think this is a love song. It amuses me even more about how many people indignantly correct those people citing that this is actually a song about an angry stalker. Nothing could be further from the truth. This song was originally written as a We Are the World/Do They Know It’S Christmas?-style awareness song about Athsma.

Born in the USA- Many people view this Springteen classic anthem as a tounge-in-cheek anti-Vietnam song. In reality it’s a song about how totally awesome Ronald Regan is.

So next time you’re listening to your favorite song take a moment to really listen to the lyrics, It might not be about what you think.